Fear – friend or foe?

FEAR: the four-letter word that has us shaking in our boots!

We all know it, and we’ve all felt it. It serves a purpose and is a necessary part of life as it alerts us to danger, but it can also paralyse us.

So how does fear work? - Fear is primarily triggered by the perception of a threat, real or imagined, which activates the amygdala in our brain, initiating the fight-or-flight response. This response then prepares the body for action, whether it’s fighting off danger or escaping it. This is our body’s way of keeping us safe.

But what happens when our body’s alarm system is stuck in the ‘on’ position - keeping us constantly in high alert and hypervigilant to supposed dangers? 

It’s when fear becomes our daily companion, influencing our decisions, relationships, and overall wellbeing – that it is no longer a friend, but a foe. Over time, this prolonged state of stress takes a toll on our body and our psyche, leading to anxiety, depression, and other health issues. 

Fear is such a powerful force in our life and definitely something we as a society need to discuss. But for some reason, we’re not comfortable talking about it - is it because it will make us seem weak, or the belief that if we talk about our fears, they will somehow manifest?  Either way, silence only strengthens fear’s grip.

There’s a popular acronym for fear: ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’. And in many cases, that’s exactly what it is. Many of our fears aren’t based on what’s happening now—they’re shaped by past pain or imagined future scenarios. But that doesn’t make them feel any less real.

It’s our fears -rational or not, that cause us to behave in ways that we otherwise might not do. Fear can cause us to; say ‘yes’ when we really want to say ‘no’, stay when we know we need to go, avoid opportunities that could bring joy, connection, or growth, lie awake at 2am caught in a loop of what-ifs and worst-case scenarios. 

Most of us can easily state that we are frightened of heights, public speaking or spiders, but what about our deeper, darker fears - our fear of being rejected, of failure, of judgement, of not being good enough, of not being deserving of love etc. These are the real fears which not many of us have the courage to talk about, or share with others. These fears live in the shadows, yet they impact us the most. And they thrive in silence.

There is a saying ‘what you resist persists’ and this is certainly true with fear. 

But it’s these fears that we must talk about, as I believe that fear continues to rule us when we keep it hidden. Once we have the courage to bring our fears out into the open and talk about them, they seem to loosen their power over us as we realise that we are not alone, others have similar fears. 

For those of us who grew up in an unpredictable or unsafe environment - fear wasn’t occasional—it was a constant. When love and security were absent, fear became our baseline. Trauma and fear often walk hand in hand, and they leave deep imprints.

As someone who’s lived with intense fear for most of my life, I can tell you—there is no magic switch. Overcoming fear is a journey. One that requires courage, compassion, and time. Some days bring progress. Others, setbacks. But both are part of healing.

One of the most transformative practices I’ve used in my life is simply sitting with my fear. Not avoiding it. Not judging it. Just feeling it. In the beginning, I could only sit with fear for a few seconds. Over time, I was able to extend this. And, I learnt to ask myself: “Is this fear rational - is it based on evidence or is it being driven by past insecurities or trauma?” 

This process is closely related to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a powerful method that helps us identify the connection between our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. CBT teaches us that an event (A) triggers a belief or thought (B), which then leads to a consequence (C)—our emotional and behavioural response. 

Another strategy to lessen the power of fear, is to talk to it, ask it; “what are you here to show me?” I know this sounds radical, but treating fear as a messenger rather than an enemy can help you develop a more compassionate, curious relationship with it.

I won’t pretend this is easy or comfortable. It's definitely not. But I’ve found that doing the work—bit by bit—has helped me heal. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, when we don’t process our emotions, they don’t just vanish - they get stored in our bodies, where they can eventually lead to “dis-ease.”

Fear will always be a part of life – it’s not something we can eliminate, but it doesn’t need to rule our life, or negatively impact our life and our choices. Facing the things that frighten you, offers you the gift of resilience. It’s about learning to trust yourself, knowing that you have what it takes to face your fears.

Sometimes the things we fear the most, do happen - and its utterly devasting - you feel like you’ve been shattered into a million pieces and may never be whole again. But these moments, the sink-or-swim moments reveal something powerful: fear isn’t the childhood monster under your bed. It’s just a feeling. And like all feelings, it will pass—especially when met with understanding and support.

Facing our fears builds resilience. It reminds us that we can survive hard things. That we are stronger than we think. And that even when life knocks us down, we can rise—wiser, tougher, and more grounded. No this is NOT easy - but it is possible. When we emerge from fear’s grip, we don’t just return to who we were. We evolve. Our values shift. Our relationships deepen. Our sense of purpose becomes clearer – well, this has been my experience. Facing fear changed me.

If fear feels like it’s steering your life, ask yourself:

·        What would my life look like if I didn’t let fear stop me?

·        What would I start doing, and what would I stop doing?

These are powerful questions that may make you aware of how fear is impacting your life.

You will never be free of fear – that’s not possible, but what is possible is that you develop the capacity to do things while still experiencing the feeling of fear. You can act despite it - that’s where your power lies.

Remember –you are bigger than your fear.

Rosanna Commisso - Founder, StressCare Solutions

Championing Workplace Wellbeing | Mental Health & Trauma Advocate

As the Founder of StressCare Solutions, my passion for helping organisations navigate the growing challenge of stress and trauma in the workplace, is personal.

With over 30-years’ experience spanning health, training and community services, and my own lived experience with mental health, burnout and trauma—I bring both professional insight and ‘lived experience’ understanding to my work.

My mission is simple: to empower organisations, and their staff, with the tools they need to recognise, manage, and reduce stress before it leads to burnout, and to implement trauma-informed practices to support their staff.

Through engaging, evidence-based workshops, impactful speaking engagements, and trauma-informed workplace support, I help teams build resilience, improve wellbeing, and thrive.

Let’s build healthier workplaces—together.

📩 rosanna@stresscare.com.au | 🌐 www.stresscare.com.au