Stop People-Pleasing for Stress Resilience

‘People pleasing’ – we’ve all been guilty of this, myself included, particularly when I was feeling so lost and desperately wanted to fit in.

But what do I mean by ‘people pleasing’? – let me clarify.

At its core, people-pleasing is when we prioritise others’ needs, opinions, and desires above our own - we silence our inner voice or intuition, go against our values, our beliefs, and sacrifice our peace of mind, our sense of self, and even our well-being, to avoid conflict, gain approval, be liked and accepted.

You might say ’what’s wrong with people pleasing it’s a great way to keep the peace’?

Yes, I agree it certainly is great at maintaining the status quo, but at what price to your well-being? - particularly as we turn ourselves into pretzels trying to be what everyone around us wants us to be. We stretch ourselves thin trying to meet everyone’s constantly changing expectations, only to end up exhausted, frazzled, and overwhelmed.

In addition, each time we go against our beliefs or gut feelings to please others, we chip away at our self-esteem. Our foundation becomes shaky, and before we know it, we’re standing on quicksand, with little resilience to weather life’s challenges.

Many of us learnt to be people pleasers early on – either because we were raised with the expectation to be ‘good girls and boys’, or as in my case, as a survival mechanism in childhood, when emotional and/or physical neglect or abuse exists. We adapted to remain safe - knowing that our well-being, and sometimes existence, depended on us pleasing our parents and/or caregivers. This was definitely a necessary survival strategy at such a young age - when you don’t have the capacity to take care of yourself or walk away from destructive situations.

However, the problem arises when we, as adults, continue to carry that unconscious belief that our survival and sense of safety and security still depends on others.

It’s not until we can recognise that we are no longer in danger, that we have the capacity to walk away from situations and people that are not aligned with our values, or who don’t have our best interest at heart, that we can begin to change our pattern of ‘people pleasing’.

When people pleasing becomes a habitual way of being, it can become so ingrained, that we don’t even realise we’re doing it – we become so used to being a chameleon, saying and doing what we believe is expected of us.

We may wake up one day, and out of the blue, come to the realisation that the life we are living is the wrong life – that we’ve been living someone else’s version of a great life, that we’ve been pretending to be someone or something that’s not really us. That we’ve spent so much of our time and energy in ‘people pleasing’ that we’ve lost who we are, and yet we may not even know who we are, but we know that we are ‘not this’.  

We realise that our people pleasing is not helping us find peace, but in fact the exact opposite. It’s a watershed moment - we can’t unknow what we know, so there is no going back to ignorance - we’re awake to what’s wrong in our life.

And though this realisation can be terrifying, it’s also a chance for growth, as we are faced with two options; stay where we are in ‘less than ideal situation/s’, or walk away from what’s no longer serving us, even though the path ahead may be uncertain.

Changing ‘people pleasing’ behaviour isn’t easy, and certainly doesn’t happen overnight. It requires courage. As Susan Jeffers states in her book ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’, - courage is not the absence of fear, but doing what you know is right, while feeling the fear.

It takes determination to walk away from bad situations without knowing what’s next - without a safety net, with only a deep inner knowing that you deserve more, you deserve better. You may question whether you have the capacity to change, to do things differently, to leave behind something that feels wrong, but it’s all you know.

It’s a tough choice, but here’s the thing: sometimes the discomfort of change is worth more than the silent suffering of staying stuck.

I have to be honest, when we stop people pleasing, some people won’t like it, and there may be consequences.

You may be cast aside by friendship groups, work environments or relationships that require conformity. You might be labelled as ‘difficult’ or ‘opinionated’. If that occurs – so, be it. No one likes to rock the boat, but sometimes, rocking the boat is the only way to break free from complacency and create the life you deserve.

People-pleasing might be a habit that’s hard to break, but it’s not impossible. When you start standing up for yourself, you’ll develop an incredible sense of inner strength and belief in yourself. And that strength is what will carry you through life’s many ups and downs – it’s what builds stress resilience.

As I’ve learned in my own healing journey from trauma, sometimes the first step is simply saying, “I’ve had enough – I want better.”

If this is where you currently find yourself, just remember, it’s just a matter of one foot in front of the other. Also know that you don’t have to do this alone - reach out for support, whether it’s friends, family or a therapist.

Have faith - you've got this!

Rosanna Commisso - Founder, StressCare Solutions

Championing Workplace Wellbeing | Mental Health & Trauma Advocate

As the Founder of StressCare Solutions, my passion for helping organisations navigate the growing challenge of stress and trauma in the workplace, is personal.

With over 30-years’ experience spanning health, training and community services, and my own lived experience with mental health, burnout and trauma—I bring both professional insight and ‘lived experience’ understanding to my work.

My mission is simple: to empower organisations, and their staff, with the tools they need to recognise, manage, and reduce stress before it leads to burnout, and to implement trauma-informed practices to support their staff.

Through engaging, evidence-based workshops, impactful speaking engagements, and trauma-informed workplace support, I help teams build resilience, improve wellbeing, and thrive.

Let’s build healthier workplaces—together.

📩 rosanna@stresscare.com.au | 🌐 www.stresscare.com.au