Forgiveness for Increased Stress Resilience

‘Forgiveness’—it's a word that seems to pop up everywhere in the healing world, but what does it actually mean, is it possible, and what does it look like in practice?

According to Google – ‘Forgiveness, whether of oneself or others, is a process that involves acknowledging feelings, practicing compassion, and choosing to release resentment’.

We can all accept that forgiving minor transgressions and hurts is fairly simple and necessary for healthy relationships, but what’s much harder though, is forgiving major traumas such as childhood abuse, crime, world atrocities etc. That’s where we can get stuck.

So, is forgiveness doable? 

If you were to ask me this years ago, when the idea of my forgiving what I experienced was inconceivable, I would have said absolutely not. But now, after years of doing the inner healing work – my answer is yes, forgiving is possible. Is it easy – no, absolutely not!

There are hundreds, if not thousands of books written on forgiveness – its power, its importance and how to forgive, but unfortunately, from my personal experience, forgiveness is not always the neatly packaged, ‘three-step process’ that some might want us to believe. It's far more complex.

When we hear about forgiveness, we often imagine an idealised scenario: we talk to the person who hurt us, they apologise, and everything is magically healed. But let's face it—that's not usually how it works. In reality, the people we need to forgive may no longer be around, or they may be unable to understand or even refuse to acknowledge the harm they caused us.

So, what do we do in these situations? The good news is that forgiving someone doesn't require us to directly confront them, nor does it require them to apologise.

So how do we forgive?

There are so many forgiveness strategies you can try, but one powerful tool I’ve found is writing a letter to the person which you will never send. When you write, try using your non-dominant hand as this taps into your subconscious and allows deeper emotions to surface. The letter doesn’t have to make sense; it doesn’t even have to be readable – it can just be scribbles, as the goal is to release the blocked emotions and stuck energy in your body.

Once the letter is written, set it aside for a day, and then without reading it, destroy it—burn it, or tear it up. This ritual can help you release some of the anger, hurt, and frustration that have been stuck in your body. But its certainly not a ‘magic wand’.

If writing isn’t your thing, you could also try having a pretend conversation with the person you’re trying to forgive. This is done in a safe space with a trusted friend or therapist who can support you if strong emotions or reactions arise to ensure that you’re not re-traumatised by the activity.

However, I believe the most important thing to understand, is that forgiveness is not for the other person—it’s for us, as it sets us free by releasing the emotional weight that holds us captive. It allows us to move forward without being tethered to the past. It’s about creating a future that is not defined by what happened to us.

Forgiveness is not possible without us acknowledging and validating our feelings – we have to allow ourself to feel the pain, anger, hurt etc. associated with the situation. For many of us it’s much easier to stay in the anger, which can turn into bitterness, than it is to feel the vulnerability of hurt. Feeling the pain, is extremely tough, and a step a lot of us would like to omit, but we can’t, as without this, the forgiveness is superficial.

This step can take days, weeks, months or even years, and most of us will need support with the process. It’s an act of courage to feel the deep, deep hurt, the heartbreak of forgiveness, so it’s important to treat ourself with compassion—just as we would a child, and seek the support of a therapist if it all becomes too much.

One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it means we have to forget what happened, or allow the person/s back into our lives. That’s simply not true.

If you do choose to re-enter a relationship with someone you’ve forgiven, make sure that it’s on your terms, with clear, strong boundaries in place, as forgiveness doesn’t mean you abandon your needs or your safety. It’s about finding a balance where you can protect yourself while also finding peace.

Sometimes forgiveness is not about forgiving others, but about forgiving ourselves for the decisions we made, the paths we walked, the way treated others, but most importantly, the way we treated ourselves.

One of the hardest things to overcome after trauma, especially childhood trauma, is the unconscious belief that we are somehow to blame for what happened to us. It makes no rational sense, yet many of us carry that burden. We may not even realise we have this belief, but it affects our behavior, our relationships, and how we view ourselves.

That’s why self-forgiveness is a critical part of the healing process. It involves recognising that we are not responsible for the actions of others, no matter how much our mind might try to make us believe otherwise.

So why is forgiveness so powerful?

Well, recently researchers have discovered that forgiveness is linked to neuroplasticity, as practicing forgiveness can actually rewire our brain’s neural networks, leading to changes in brain structure and function.

When we hold deep hatred anger etc. towards anyone or a situation, it affects our nervous system causing dysregulation and triggering our body’s alarm system. If this remains on for a long period of time, ‘dis-ease’ follows. Forgiving others and oneself, calms the stress response, resets our nervous system, increases feelings of well-being, and shifts brain activity away from negative emotions and towards positive ones, allowing our brain to be more resilient and emotionally well-balanced.

So, forgiveness is for you – for your nervous system and your physical and mental wellbeing.

Forgiveness, like all healing, is not a quick fix, nor is it a destination—it’s a process, sometimes a lifelong one, requiring bucket loads of self-compassion and patience. There are no rights or wrongs in forgiveness. There will be moments when you feel like you’ve forgiven, only to find that layers of pain and resentment resurface. This is normal. We all forgive in our own way and our own timeframe.

Just keep going, and when you're ready, you'll find your way to peace - no hurry.

Rosanna Commisso - Founder, StressCare Solutions

Championing Workplace Wellbeing | Mental Health & Trauma Advocate

As the Founder of StressCare Solutions, my passion for helping organisations navigate the growing challenge of stress and trauma in the workplace, is personal.

With over 30-years’ experience spanning health, training and community services, and my own lived experience with mental health, burnout and trauma—I bring both professional insight and ‘lived experience’ understanding to my work.

My mission is simple: to empower organisations, and their staff, with the tools they need to recognise, manage, and reduce stress before it leads to burnout, and to implement trauma-informed practices to support their staff.

Through engaging, evidence-based workshops, impactful speaking engagements, and trauma-informed workplace support, I help teams build resilience, improve wellbeing, and thrive.

Let’s build healthier workplaces—together.

📩 rosanna@stresscare.com.au | 🌐 www.stresscare.com.au